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I have given up on MSN Spaces

Spaces has changed too much and I am having trouble navigating around.  I have started a blog at Blogspot

 

Here is my first blog

 

http://deejaysdoodles.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-am-heeeeeeere-at-blogger.html

 

 

 

More car accident

Sweetpea had a whole "crew" of boys that she hung out with in 8th & 9th grade.  She sort of lost touch w/them for most part for the last few years and then most of them were part of the group she was in at Prom.  Since then they have all been as tight as if they had never disconnected.  In fact she is pretty much going out with one of them now (Whom I shall call Ollie for fun).   They have their FB relationship status as "it’s complicated" but he’s pretty much lived at our house since the accident and she was pretty much living at his house before the accident so…. WHAT IS SO COMPLICATED?   Oh wait… um… the fact that she went to Prom with this one boy JT and he happens to work with this other boty Ollie – which is the reason why they were in the same group for Prom in the 1st place.  It has made the workplace a little tense…. but all these teenage boys that worked at this one fast food restaurant are looking for greener pastures now that they have graduated.  They want to wait tables for tips instead of work the drive thru window. Smart boys.  2 of the boys didn’t have the greatest lives and managed to stay pretty good boys.  One of them lost his mom earlier this year.  They both were accepted into the UW.  For one, he is the 1st in his family to go to a 4 year college.  It just makes me proud and they are even my kids.

 

I had mentioned in my last blog that her "boyfriend" came to the hospital to be w/her.  WELL, since my husband is such an EXCELLENT communicator (where is that sarcastic font?), I just found out last night that ALL of the boys came to the hospital that night. Ollie was the only one allowed in the room w/her but the boys sat in the waiting room for 2 1/2 hours until Jake told them it was going to be a lot longer and they might as well go home. That he was sure she would be ok, just doing tests to make sure. So 4 – 18 y/o boys … MEN… *still can’t believe they are grown*… left.  Jake never told me that.  Don’t you think I would have liked to have known that?

 

When you say the car is "totalled" to me I picture it ALL mangled – really the hoods are just so long and soft on a mini-van that is smooshes right up, and that happens to be where the radiator and engine and everything is. (Especially when what it hits is a tire on the back of a Suzuki Jeep.)  So it will cost more than the van is worth to fix.  Ahem… guess what – I have a list of repairs for that thing that is more money than the van is worth but we didn’t really have a choice because we need that vehicle. *sigh*  I am just so glad we have never sold the Geo.  It now looks like a total beater car BUT IT RUNS!  Stick Shift is causing hell on Jake’s shoulders but at the same time he likes driving it because it is like a Go-Kart.  When you are going 25, you feel like 40.  Dang thing doesn’t like to do over 60 though…. which I guess is good on the freeway… it’s probably what I should be driving so I don’t get a ticket.  It is REALLY easy to go 70 in the truck before you even realize it.

 

The truck is killing my body though.  I have to climb up in it.  I can’t use the handle to pull myself up any more because my wrist and arm said NO MORE. We went to a baby shower Sunday that was 2 hours RT.  The next day when I got out of bed, I just about fell over.  I am used to my left side killing me, but my whole right side was throbbing and my right leg didn’t want to work. WTF??  Then I got in the truck to go to work and I understood.  It was the muscles I used from moving my foot back and forth between the gas & break. My neck & and shoulder and arm from holding onto the steering wheel.  I have never been real comfortable in the truck.  The van has always been A LOT more comfortable to me.  But I am being SO SO careful to not saying anything to Sweetpea about the truck hurting me.  She is sooo sensitive.  I keep telling her it was an ACCIDENT.  Did you mean to plow into somebody??  The other 2 cars really had no damage.  We are still waiting to hear back on final report.

Car Accident

I was sleeping last night at 7:30ish when Jake woke me up to tell me that Sweetpea rear-ended someone and he was going to her. I had a migraine and had taken drups and was out of it. He called me later to say that she was ok but needed to go to the hospital to be checked out.  The ambulance wanted to take her on a backboard to the hospital because she was complaining of neck pain and tingling in her left arm but they could not take her to Children’s as they don’t accept patients on backboards.  That is considered "trauma" and they don’t do trauma. We cannot afford for her to be taken to any other hospital. The EMT check her out and decided it was ok if Jake took her himself.  They stopped at home to get a few things (we have the ER down pat).  She was crying and being so sorry about the van.  She was sure I was pissed at her.  See…. the van is totalled.  No more van.  My green van.  The van I’ve had for 11 years and many memories. No more car for her to drive. And it was her fault.  We are screwed.  But of course I am more worried about her.  I can be worried about her AND grieve for the loss of the vehicle (and the increased insurance rates).  I was not pissed at her – just incredibly worried about her.  She needed to get to the hospital to be checked out. 

 

Jake sent me a picture a little later, they had her head in a vice thing to keep it still.  They were taking blood and doing a full body xray.  They decided she just had whiplash and would be sore for a few days.  They ordered her to bed rest and gave her some pain killers.  They got home about 3:30 a.m.  I found out that a boy that she likes got a ride to the hospital and was there with her the whole time.  That is quite sweet.  A boy that she just broke up with asked Punkers if he could go to the hospital and she said it wasn’t a good idea – she didn’t even know that the other boy was there.  It is a REALLY good thing he didn’t go.  The 2 boys work together so it has been a bit awkward lately.  I came into work at 1 since I didn’t go to sleep until about 4.  My head is POUNDING.  I feel hung over.  I am alone here and very glad for it.

 

Punkers just called me while I was writing this. Sweetpea woke up screaming.  She can’t move her head. It gave me flashbacks to when she was bedbound.  Punkers was a little upset as to what to do to help her sister. I helped her find some meds to give her until Jake could get back with her pain killers.  It just breaks my heart to not be there with her.

 

Meanwhile…. Punkers had a REALLY good day yesterday.  She went on her first REAL date.  One-on-one with a boy.  She’s been a group dates before, and that is what they were trying to arrange but it didn’t work out so it ended up being just her and her boyfriend that went and saw a movie together and then she was invited back to his place for dinner and to hang out. So she spent most of the day, just her and her boyfriend.  She could not stop smiling when she got home.  She really likes him.  She’s had boyfriends before, but this one seems more real and it’s only been a week.  She invited him to her family birthday dinner tomorrow.  He will be meeting her overprotective brother and aunt.  Punkers turns 14 tomorrow.  This boy turned 16 in April.  I am trying to not let that bug me. Girls mature faster than boys – right?  

 

Sweetpea keeps texting me.  She is sure that I am mad at her. Trying to explain to her that I can be totally worried about her AND grieving for my van. Insurance says that it is totaled and we have a $1000 deductible, so they are going to figure out what it’s worth and give us a check for that amount minus the $1000.  I thought if it was her fault that we wouldn’t get any money for it – so that is good news. We will probably end up with $2000 that we can go buy a beater car with.

 

Just always one thing after another. 

Am I related to the Scarecrow?

"If I only had a brain…"  I had a CT Scan yesterday so we shall soon find out if there’s anything in there.  I went to the Dr on Tuesday. I have a sinus infection.  I told her about the "episodes" I have had.  She looked in my eyes and thought the blood vessels in my right eye looked weird.  She said that the episodes I had may have been strokes and ordered a CT Scan.  I blogged on Monday about not doing well … it is still the same if not worse.  I feel like I am losing it.  I do not feel right. My brain is all muddled. Yesterday a cat scratched me good and while I was washing it off I guess I really spaced out and scared Jake. He said it was like I blacked out with my eyes open. I don’t remember anything.  I just remember being in bed and not being able to keep my eyes open. So tired. It is so hard to explain how I feel. Almost like there are a bunch of blocks or barriers in my head and words and/or memories are hidden behind them and I have to find them before I can pull them out to use them.  My god. It is hard to type. I am using the back space more than going forward.  Ugh.  I woke up today and thought it was Friday but it’s not. Maybe it is all part of the sinus infection.  I wasn’t even going to blog all this because I don’t want every one worrying. I am sure I will be fine. Everything always turns out fine. It might even be just another fun symptom of Fibromyalgia.  Boy the pain is WAY out there right now, maybe the brain is just shutting down so I don’t have to cope.  Who knows. sigh.

Not doing so well today

I am not doing so well today (as the tears choke in my throat). I am so glad my boss is not here.  I could not get out of bed. Jake kept coming in…"it’s 7:10". Me: "I KNOW"…. Him: "I’m sorry to bug you but it’s 7:20." Me: "I KNOW"  Him: "Ok, I didn’t hear your alarm. Just making sure."  Me:  "I hurt too bad, I can’t get up."  I got up at 8. The time I am supposed to be at work.  When the first thought after you turn your alarms off is "Why was I walking on broken glass in the middle of the night?"  because your feet burn and throb like a M$%@er F#%#$er, it is REALLY hard to want to put them on the ground, where you KNOW it is not only going to hurt them more, but send a shock wave of pain all the way up your body.  I didn’t have a migraine but a pretty good headache.  Like one you get from lack of sleep, only I had 8 hours of sleep.  This is the way I might feel if I do a lot of activity the day before – but I literally did NOTHING all weekend. I didn’t have it in me.  I was in pain all week and it was all I could do to work 8 hours every day and come home and a chore before going to bed. I didn’t go to sleep until later, but I was horizontal by 7 pm pretty much every day last week. And I cried on Saturday because I WANTED to be cleaning but I just felt like I couldn’t. It’s like my brain and desires trapped in a useless body.  I feel so bad for parazlyed people. It must truly be hell for them.

 

I am usually pretty strong but every once in awhile I must have a day or two of breaking down and today is a break down day.  A "I have reached the bottom day" but I don’t always just sit in pity, when I reach my breaking point is when I often reach for help. I left a message for a psychologist. My doctor has wanted me to see a pain psychologist.  I want to see one for all the stresses in my life.  There is an office close to my work that I have looked into before, even left a message. The lady I had chosen called back & left quite a snippy msg and so she’s off my list and then I hadn’t called anyone else back. I just saw one on the list today that mentions relationship counseling and chronic illness counseling.  Insurance won’t cover marriage counseling but I think if you are getting yourself mental help and bring your spouse a couple times it is different and is covered.  I think you can be sneaky like that.  It is worth a try. We need it.  He thinks everything is hunky dory. It’s not.  I’m not

 

Now I am trying to decided whether to call my regular Dr whom I love and adore to beg for some sort of miracle help with my pain or whether to give the Naturopath I have seen in the past a shot.  I haven’t seen her since before my hysterectomy.  There might be some natural supplement ways to help with the pain instead of more chemical medications.  There is also a nutritionist in the office that can help me get on the gluten free diet that I just can’t seem to kick start.  She is a nutrition nazi.  It just all costs money, which I don’t have. 

 

Jake is first on his school’s list for helping to find a job. He and his career counselor spent a lot of time Thursday redoing his resume.  I took one look at it and said "GOD NO!"  She needs to go back to resume school.  She changed it to some wacked out font that was unreadable.  You are supposed to have a professonial, "normal" font.  She had one that made you feel like you were looking at an optical illusion.  I told him that as a person who looks at resumes at my job, that if we received 20 resumes for a job opening, we would just toss his because it was too hard to read and we had plenty of other choices.  He said he had sort of thought the same thing but figured she knew what she was doing. (being the professsional career counselor and all) He did say she was new.  SO – if she is new, then she should have just gone through all of that and known what to do.  Also, he had 4 certificates with the dates of completion that are listed.  She had them jumbled up instead of in date order. Maybe I should apply for a job there! 

 

Now I am just rambling.

Graduation

Last night was so sweet.  So very emotional for Sweetpea.  I love her friends.  One friend texted her that she WAS a member of the Class of 2010, it didn’t matter that she was a few stupid credits short, she was still one of them.  She could have stayed at home and felt sorry for herself that she wasn’t graduating, but she REALLY wanted to go cheer everyone on.  It was nice for all of us, having been so invested in PTA and the Elementary & Jr High, it was like seeing many little birds leaving the nest.  Punkers kept going "I know their little sister", or "I know their little brother" and getting excited at seeing people she knew there.  The hardest part for Sweetpea was when they got to the J’s.  She has followed Cxxxx Jacobson all through school. So after his name was sais her name and did a little cheer.  And this is SO INCREDIBLY SWEET:  C and SP were pretty close in Elementary school, but went totally seperate ways in Jr High and beyond.  Well, afterwards she saw him and he came up to her and gave her a big hug and told her that she belonged down there right after him.  *sniff*  It stunned her.  She saw someone else she used to be pretty close to that abandoned her due to her pain and that girl squealed and was excited to see her, again SP was a bit stunned.  She she thinks everyone just forgot about her and went on with their lives.  I think they remember her and probably even think of her and wonder how she is doing – they are just teenagers and don’t know how to deal with someone in constant pain.  It’s hard for adults.

 

On the way home she trie do apologize for not graduating. I lost it and said that the only reason that I was upset with her not being there is because of the RND and that life had handed her a shitty blow and that she DESERVED to be there and that if things had been normal, she would have been there and would have had stars next to her name for Honor Society and such.  That even the kids there realized it.  No one dissed her for not graduating – they all knew that she SHOULD HAVE and WOULD HAVE if not for the HELL she’s been through for the last almost 4 years. No one looks down on for not graduating – except for her.  I told her that she WILL graduate, and she will feel so damned accomplished when she does. And Jake added that many of her friends will come and cheer HER on. 

 

She is doing summer school and taking Math (not sure what she’s in, Geometry?) and Biology.  She is going ot try to complete a year of both between June 28th and December 17th.  Summer school is 4 weeks and she will be in each class 3 hrs/day, 3 dys/wk.  She pretty much needs to treat it as a job. This will get her a half of a year of each. Her teacher is going to let her take the books home so she can continue to work on it on her own for the rest of the summer. If she keeps up a good pace, she can be done with a quarter by the time school starts and just have a quarter left to complete.   She really has until the end January 2011 for the end of the semester, but she wants to be done before winter break so that she can say she finished school in 2010.  If she went through a graduation ceremony it wouldn’t be until June 2011, but in her mind she would really be class of 2010.  We will see.  It is good to have goals. 

Congratulations Class of 2010

Sweetpea should be graduating tonight, if life had dealt her a "normal" life.  She has recently reconnected with a bunch of friends that she sort of drifted from for a year or so and she is insisting that she go watch the graduation ceremony.  It is something she really wants to do, but also very very hard for her too.   This day is very hard for me too.  The day every parent dreams of, the goal that is set from the time they are little – Graduation Day.  She will still have hers.  She has her goal.  She is working towards it and I am soooo very proud of her, but it just pisses me off damn it that she has had to have the struggles she’s had and can’t have this day with the rest of her friends – her class.

 

I was looking at the list of graduates (all 557 of them!!) and looking at all the names from her little blue school was like reliving her childhood and her 6th grade graduation again. *sniff* and then seeing names of girls from soccer through all the years she played. *sniff sniff*  (and to be honest, grimacing at a couple names). I have known some of these kids since they were 5 years old and now they are 18 and grown up. Hand me a tissue. (note to self: bring tissues tonight)  I was really surprised when Jake said he wanted to come with us and then of course Punkers can’t stay home alone, and well, she’s known some of these kids most of her life as well.  So we will all be there to cheer on Mo’s daughter and Barb’s son! 

 

 

HE PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll say it again:

HE PASSED HIS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He was handed a slip of paper that said he passed but there was a disclaimer that said they had the right to change the score if upon further review they found something had changed or was not right or something about technicalities and official results and scores would be mailed around June 18th.  blah blah blah

 

HE PASSED HIS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

and

Karli has a playoff game tonight!!    GO DYNAMITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (now if the rain would just go away, I’d really be happy!)   I went to Costco last night and pushing a huge cart around is not my body’s idea of fun. While I was loading the groceries in the van I broke 4 fingernails and smacked my head on the van 😦  I am trying really hard to ignore the pain and focus on the positive. ")

HE PASSED HIS TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah dreary day

So, I did not have a good evening last night. I am having some weird thing happening to me that I need to see the Dr about. Mo – remember the "episode" I had driving to the airport Saturday AM coming home from AL?  I have now had 3 more and last night was the worst one yet. I had said if I had one more I would go to the Dr so I will.  No, of course I didn’t call today.  I  have just felt really "off" yesterday and today. Hard to explain but I don’t like it AT ALL.  I am in great pain today and I haven’t done anything to put me in pain.  I woke up this AM feeling like someone had beat my legs while I was sleeping.

 

Jake takes his National Board exam today!!! (about damn time). He has a fear of test so he has put it off.  He is a Pharmacy Assistant now and will be a Pharmacy Technician once he passes. In other words, he can do admin type stuff in a pharmacy but not touch the pills. (rolling my eyes) No one’s hiring for assistants, they want the Techs.  They want that Certification. So cross everything you have for him.  There are 90 questions and 2 hours to answer them. I don’t know how long it takes to find out if he passed.

 

I am leaving work shortly to go to something very unfun with Sweetpea that I can’t discuss here.  It is something she wishes to keep private. But it has me stressed out. Today is the 1st of several appointments.

 

At least Punkers has something good going on!  Tomorrow night she plays the 2nd round of playoffs!  If they win they play the championship game on Saturday.  They are playing a team that’s record is 11-23 but her team won one of those 3 games they lost! Punkers team was 10-4 at Season’s end for 3rd place. Not bad at all.